Sweet fancy Jesus, is that the Presidential Seal on his socks? And you thought he was a dipshit before ...

What, George, no Jibbitz on those Crocs? Everyone knows the only thing cooler than wearing Crocs is wearing Crocs with socks. Right? And the only thing that could possibly be cooler than that would be if you were to have, say, a GOP elephant Jibbitz on one of the Crocs. The right shoe, naturally. Left shoes are for — what do we call them, Dick? — oh yeah, commuhnishts.

People, we don’t care if you’re a Republican or a Democrat, just please don’t let this be you.

If your name isn't Greg LeMond, wouldn't a T-shirt suffice?

You do? Then here’s a question: Are you currently leading the Tour De France?

You aren’t?

Then why in the name of all that is decent and inoffensive to the average commuter are you cramming yourself into a yellow jersey and pedaling around our town?

Don’t get us wrong. We’re all about self improvement. Seriously, more power to you. But look: middle-aged accountants wearing their favorite team’s jersey to the stadium on game day is ridiculous enough. I mean, hey, I know I wasn’t the only one who thought that morbidly obese bald dude in the Red Wings jersey drinking a Big Gulp and driving a ’96 Chevy Nova was Steve Yzerman. I totally almost asked him for an autograph.

That’s one thing. But trying to fool people into thinking that you’re leading the peloton through Alps just because you have a fluorescent yellow Lycra sweater stretched across your moob cleavage is … well, it’s just plain delusional. And more than a little sad.

Okay? So please stop it. Or get a sports bra. Nah … just please stop it.

Besides, no one — not even Lance Armstrong — looks good in yellow. Ask Kate Hudson.